


Promise

by Scummy



Series: Stay series [2]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I tried to go light on the vomit in case it was too much for people, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Sleepy Cuddles, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Vomiting, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 04:50:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14073255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scummy/pseuds/Scummy
Summary: Saeran felt guilty as he watched you stretch beside the bed, just getting ready to crawl in. You seemed so selfless when it came to him, to the point where he actually worried about your own health. Even on your own bad days you were quick to assist him, and Saeran knew that couldn’t be an easy task. Many times he didn’t know if you knew how much it meant to him, knew how much he loved you despite those rare moments where you had no words to calm him with.





	Promise

          As time passed, Saeran had began to make shakey steps towards recovering the relationship with his brother. There were several awkward moments between them still, like when Saeyoung would try to slip into his silly hacker persona to lighten the tension, but as difficult as it was the two of them were undoubtedly making process. They didn’t rush it, like the RFA had with their first meeting. Instead they worked towards making their visits last longer, or become more frequent. Nowadays Saeran saw him at least twice a week, and his last visit was an impressive length of eight hours.

          Small steps, but they were getting there. Saeran hoped that maybe one day they could share dinner together. Saeyoung seemed to primarily live off of junk food, not unlike how Saeran used to live off of chocolate and caffeine pills, so Saeran wants to try and treat him to a real meal one day. One that he made, too, as another sign that he didn’t hold much against Saeyoung anymore.

          Of course there were times where their visits weren’t great. Silent moments between the two that would cause his anxieties to fester and make him leave early, small arguments that would come across because Saeran didn’t have the mental stability that day to discuss all that had went on in therapy- All minor, but due to their past Saeran was worried Saeyoung took those moments too close to heart.

          He wanted happier moments between them to ward off their negative history. Even if he had to have hours of prep beforehand, he wanted to repair their broken relationship before either of the twins had a chance to run away from it.

          God knows he had cold feet at first, stuck between the fears of not living up to his brother’s expectations or feeling more separated than before. Often, when his appointment was too far away and you were available instead, you helped him speak through his anxieties and rationalize a few. Some of his worries couldn’t be coaxed away, but usually you could direct his attention to a soothing task with the sparse houseplants he had, or maybe watching something lighthearted. Even if his heart wasn’t fully into it, you were there to ease him nonetheless.

          Which is why he felt guilty as he watched you stretch beside the bed, just getting ready to crawl in. You seemed so selfless when it came to him, to the point where he actually worried about your own health. Even on your own bad days you were quick to assist him, and Saeran knew that couldn’t be an easy task. Many times he didn’t know if you knew how much it meant to him, knew how much he loved you despite those rare moments where you had no words to calm him with.

          Had he made it clear that he loved you? Every single inch of you? He tried saying it every day, through a phone call or in person for the days you were near, but he honestly couldn’t tell if it was enough.

          Saeran felt the bed dip beside him, and soon enough there you were, all smiles as you pulled the blanket over yourself and threw your arm over his torso.

          “What are you thinking about?”

          He stills just before nudging you to snuggle in closer, trying to find the right answer.

          “Do you know how much I love you?”

          “Of course, you tell me everyday, Saeran.” You brush his bangs aside, smiling.

          “Is that enough for you?”

          “I….Yes?” Smile melting away, you give him a more confused look. “I know you love me. I like hearing it every day, but if that’s hard for you-”

          “No! No, I just…” He sighs, turning to look up at the ceiling. “I’m worried I never make it clear how much I love you.”

          Silence. You’re just thinking of how to respond, he knows, but it doesn’t make his heart beat any slower. Nor does it lessen his shame for bringing this up right before the two of you slept. It was pretty late…

          “You make it clear to me in small ways, without words, you know?” Voice soft, you absentmindedly rub his chest as if trying to reassure him. “When you kiss my forehead after breakfast, or wrap your arms around me when I’m getting ready in front of the mirror- Just all these small details make me feel safe and loved. You don’t have to worry about me knowing how much I love you, okay?”

          That sounds great in theory, but something still naws inside of him. As much as he wants to believe you, he just can’t at the moment. Like always, his minor frustration is easy for you to spot, and you prop yourself up on your elbows to try and meet his gaze.

          “Saeran, what's bothering you?”

          Being called out makes him nervous, even if his soured mood was obvious. He sighs, taking one of your hands in his as he looks up to you.

          “I want to show you how much I love you. I… I’m just worried the only way I know how is too soon to do.”

          “The only way?”

          God. He doesn't know if he can look you in the eye while explaining further. He glances aside, cheeks feeling hot.

          “I was taught that...doing what I have in mind was something that you reserved for the person you truly loved the most,” Saeran begins, anxiously rubbing his thumb along the back of your hand. “That it was kind of the, uhm… way to prove that you really loved them… Since it was a special act between the two of you and no one else. And I've never done it with someone that I’ve loved so much before, s-so...I wanted to do it with you.”

          You don’t answer right away so his burning nerves get the best if him, and before he knows it he's unable to stop talking.

          “It's been a few months since we've gotten out of Mint Eye. Since we've started dating officially, and I have no intentions of leaving you. I truly trust and cherish you, so… if you're ready, I think I’m ready to m-make love to you.”

          There! He finally said it. Saeran glances over, expecting to see one of your bashful expressions, but instead you look...worried?

          Calmly, you reach over, cupping his cheek with a small frown.

          “Saeran, you know that's not the only way to show that you love me, right?”

          Ah, were you rejecting him? Almost as an impulse, he can feel his eyes start to water, but he thankfully manages to keep it from going much further than that.

          “Yes, I know that you can tell people that you love them, among other things, I just thought… I thought you wanted to.”

          “I do, I do, don’t get me wrong, Saeran,” As if to sell your words, you place a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I just don't want you to think this is the only way to show it. I want you to want to make love to me, not force yourself to because you're worried I won't know you love me otherwise.”

          “I’m not quite sure I follow…” It's embarrassing to admit, but maybe you'll explain this. You've always helped him understand other conundrums that came up while living a life outside of Mint Eye, like how you could stay home from work if you were too sick, or that medicine wasn't supposed to hurt you.

          Humming as you think, you run your fingers through his hair.

          “I do want to have sex with you, but not right now. By that I mean tonight.” Saeran must have shown his sudden change in emotion without realizing it, because for a moment panic flits across your face. “It's not because I don't love you, but I...I just want you to think about it more, okay?”

          “But I don't know what more there is to think about. I want to show you that you mean-”

          “That's exactly what I need you to think about, Saeran. I really need you to think about if you want to do this because you're ready to, or because you think I’ll leave you if you don't do this quick enough. Sex isn't a promise of love, Saeran.”

          God, he feels pathetic. The air has left his lungs and there's a struggle to breathe. What he's doing now surely isn't enough, is it? Their relationship is her essentially just taking care of him. He needs to return the favor- He needs to make her happy in the ways he knows how.

          “Honey, please don't cry.” Cry? Was he crying? He taps his cheeks, feeling his fingers wet.

          “Please just think about it for me? I don't want you to regret it.”

          “W-why would I?”

          You sigh, biting the inside of your cheek. This is the first time he's seen you do that, and there's a small rush of fear that comes along with that realization. What if this is something you do when you're angry?

          Did he finally make you angry? Were you going to hate him?

          “What if… I told you that I'm not a virgin.”

          Saeran jolts, sitting right up. Immediately you looked pained, sitting up and crossing your arms, unable to look at him.

          What was he supposed to say? He never considered that you might have loved anyone else before. God- Imagining you cuddling with someone else stings and crumples his heart.

          “See? This is why I wanted you to think on it some more. I thought that would-”

          “No! No,” The way your voice sounded so small scared him, and he finds a little bit of bravery he didn't know he had by grabbing your shoulders. Saeran meets your surprised look. “That- You're not bad for that. You're not.”

          “I didn't say I was-”

          “I know, you just sounded so sad and I-I wanted to let you know.”

          Slowly, your expression becomes lighter. With a soft smile, you uncross your arms and wrap them around his waist.

          “Thank you, Saeran.”

          It's quiet for a moment as he returns your smile, forcing himself to calm his rapidly beating heart. Right now would be the wrong time to ask about you not being as expected. There's a nagging thought that you might be like him, and all he wants to do as a result of that is to hold you closer. Saeran pulls you into a tight hug, thankful your grip is as strong as his.

          “I’ll think about it some more,” He promises. “You need to feel comfortable, too. I'm sorry if I pushed you.”

          “Mmm, don't worry about me.” You sit back enough so you can bump noses with him, smiling as a chuckle escapes him. “I would have told you if you were upsetting me.”

          The easy way you're able to smile again calms him further, to the point his thoughts aren't rushing about so harshly again. The conversation leaped for a moment there, and he thinks back on it, noting what you said.

          “We should sleep, and I know this conversation is getting long, but can you tell me what you think sex is?”

          Saying that word still elicits a burning sensation on his ears, embarrassed for being so blunt to you, but you seem unbothered.

          “I think sex can be many things. For me it's a form of trust.”

          “Trust?”

         “Yeah, I mean…” You tuck your hair behind your ear, thinking. “That's not something I'm willing to let anyone do. Only people that I trust and love the most. But... It's hard to explain.”

          Saeran takes initiative by laying back down again, gently pulling you with him. You seem just as willing to get in the relaxing position as you consider your words.

          “Sex can be an expression of love, trust, and many other things. But I also believe that you shouldn't think that if you have sex with someone, that it's the _only_ way to express it, and the purest way. It probably doesn't make much sense, but I just want to avoid us using sex as the only way to prove our love, instead of one of many ways. Is that a good explanation?”

          He doesn’t have the heart to tell you otherwise before you peck him on the cheek, coaxing him to get some well deserved rest.

 

* * *

 

          You had to rush off this morning, exchanging a few quick kisses before heading out the door for work, and since then he just replayed last night over and over again.

          Saeran wasn't used to not having any pressures to prove himself. He had done so much for Rika, but you barely asked for anything from him. It made him feel off and worried that maybe your words weren't as true as you said they were.

          He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he berates his rushing thoughts. His therapist told him again and again that constantly second guessing himself would get him nowhere. You loved him. You told him every day while planting a kiss onto him. If you truly hated him, he would know by now...right? Somehow, with last night’s conversation, these normal reassurances weren’t helping. Saeran desperately wanted to believe you, but he also wouldn’t be surprised if you had lied to him to spare his feelings.

          At the same time, he feels disgusting for doubting your words. Could he help himself from doing so? With Saeyoung he was usually able to pinpoint why he was doubting his brother’s words and latch it to the insecurities he was still battling. However, was that the case with you? It’s possible he’s still insecure- He certainly still hasn’t braved the nights with you in anything less than a t-shirt and pajama pants- but he’s been able to feel safer about his tendencies around you than Saeyoung at this point. And with Saeyoung that was only going to be a matter of time until he reached the same comfort levels.

          Stressed, Saeran walks into the kitchen and starts pulling out mixing bowls. Cooking for himself was out of the question due to how his stomach was tangled in knots, but making some sweets for the two of you to enjoy later wasn’t impossible. Hopefully, it would do him some good in sorting out his thoughts.

 

          “Oh wow, did you make all of this?”

          Saeran chuckles, meeting you at the entrance and pecking your cheek before replying.

          “I’m the only one here, haha.”

          “Well! There’s just a lot,” You set your purse on the couch, walking over to the kitchen table where three plates of sweets lay waiting for you. “Even the cookie jar is full again, whoa!”

          You reach for a small muffin resting on one of the plates, and Saeran feels himself beam. The tarte he had to retry after he accidentally ruined the first one, but you seemed impressed with everything so far.

          “I was feeling restless. I hope it’s okay? If we can’t finish them all within the next couple of days, I don’t mind giving the others some.” He’s sure he has some treat bags somewhere, leftover form some ‘For Work’ treats he had made for you once.

          “It’s really tempting to try and eat all of these before then, but I think that’s a good idea. I’m sure the others would love your baking as much as I do.” You take a bite of the muffin, smiling and covering your mouth. “These are so good! I swear, you spoil me, haha.”

          “That’s the plan.” Saeran walks up and wraps his arms around you, kissing your check again. If his cooking made you feel great, he’d cook every day for you if you would let him.

          The conversation slips into talk about your work day as the two of you head to the couch. Stories about what was new in this coworker’s life, or how the repairmen still managed to not fix the office printer. Saeran’s never been to where you work at, but thanks to a few drama shows he’s ran into once or twice on his rarely used tv, he can imagine it. Usually workers with desks have pictures of their loved ones or small plants scattered about. Was that the case with yours?

          Jobs didn’t seem to be the most fun, but hearing all these names you throw out and the way you happily talk about your workplace almost makes him wish he could have a job as well. Jumin had told him he could work at C&R once he felt more comfortable to do so, and Saeran knew that was him trying to really say when that when Saeran was more healthy he could join the company, but that seemed so far away.

          In terms of being healthy or not, he still doesn’t know where he lies.

          “Well, that’s enough of my day.” You sit back, stretching and making a cute little hum as you do so. “How was yours? Did you get enough sleep?”

          Ah, he hated this part. Same as usual, he barely did anything today…

          “I just tidied up and cooked, nothing else…”

          “You said you felt restless, though? Do you still feel like that?”

          “Uhm…” He breathes in, debating how far to go with this. “A little. I couldn’t stop thinking about things so I distracted myself with the treats.”

          “What were you thinking about?”

          “...Last night.”

          Shifting, you give him a questioning look. With a sigh, disappointed in himself for bringing this up again, he explains further.

          “I thought about our love, and the right steps to show it. I was confused by how you said it was a form of trust to you, but I think I understand it now.”

          “You do?”

          Not really, but he hates being given so long to think about it and still not producing the results you want. The anxiety of disappointing you lingers on his back, forcing words out of him.

          “I do. I… It’s not how I was originally thinking. It’s not us coming together as a whole, but as, uhm… Well, you know.” He tries a smile, but you don’t return it, seemingly guessing that he doesn’t know what he’s saying. In a panic, he continues.

          “It’s trust. It’s all about trust, because we’re trusting each other to show something we normally wouldn’t show to outsiders. To p-people that would take advantage of us otherwise…” Memories of hands against him cause his stutter and glance away, worried you can see through the uncertainty of his words.

          Instead, he hears you walking up, feels you hug him.

          “That’s a way of viewing it, yeah. I just don’t want you to force yourself when you’re not ready, Saeran. We can wait as long as we need to before doing that, you know?”

          No. He couldn’t. He’s looked up relationship advice online, he knows how in the shows on TV or those romance books he saw at your home that sex was important, right? What if you left him because he was too slow on showing his love to you?

          Steadying his breath and making sure his emotions aren’t leaking out, he returns your hug, resting his chin on top of your head.

          “I...I really want you...:” He starts, trying to pick the words carefully to convince you. “I trust you. I love and trust you. I think I’m ready. I don’t feel as forced anymore, and I can’t possibly regret doing this with someone I cherish as much as you.”

          There’s a small part of him that wishes you would actually see through this lie, but with the way you nuzzle into him, he can feel his hope snuff out.  


          The trek to the bedroom starts off small. Regardless of his unfortunate skills, you don’t push towards anything that could be considered flirtatious until he shyly tugs you towards the hall. From then out, it’s an awkward dance. The two of you helping shed some of your clothes, him barely unbuttoning his shirt, scared of showing you what is underneath. By the time the two of you make it to the soft plushness of the bed, he’s body is reacting faster than he expected it with his mind numbing itself.

          Your lips are on his, and the static he was feeling travels to his stomach. His whole body feels alive, but to an almost painful extent. Every touch sends his head spinning and threatens to steal the air from his lungs, and because of that his guts twist. If this was after dinner he was sure he would be puking by now.

          “Saeran,” You pull away enough to meet his darting gaze. “You're sure you want to do this right now?”

          He wishes you'd stop asking him. He hates how his voice keeps betraying him, keeps making you worried. He _has_ to do this. It's not a matter of wanting to.

          “Saeran?”

          “Y-yes.” Not good enough. He clears his throat. “Yes! I want to. Don't worry about me.”

          Trying to convince you, he initiates a slew of small kisses. If his words make him sound hesitant, maybe his actions will save him. Saeran's hands dip down and rest on your hips, trying to figure out exactly how to do this again. He's not used to being in charge with this.

          You, on the other hand, are more confident with your movements. You grip his sides as the kisses start to linger more and more. With sounds of the soft smacking of your lips together filling his head, his breath being constantly taken from him, he starts to feel that final straw break as you rub your hands over his ribs. His disgustingly protruding ribs.

          Saeran pulls back, hands frozen, but you keep going. Kissing his cheek, his jawline. His breathing speeds up and his nails dig into your skin. Words are at the end of his tongue, anything to get you to notice, but the slamming thoughts of his worthlessness keep him from speaking out.

          How were you touching someone as disgusting as him? This flimsy shirt could let you feel anything underneath, the raised scars, the way his ribs were so defined. Mint Eye was months ago, but no matter how well he treated his body, it's markings remained. There was no escaping how disgusting he was, how vile he felt.

          He's going to throw up. The way his stomach flips, his throat constricting- He knows he's going to and stupidly all he can think about is how he doesn't want to ruin the pretty dress that you wore to look nice at work today. You haven't seemed to notice, and he feels god awful for it, but in an attempt to avoid dirtying you he pushes you aside as he turns away from the bed and retches.

          Saeran's body shakes as the first go doesn't satisfy his stomach. He doesn't want to think about the shameful thing he's doing, the acidic taste in his mouth, so he keeps his watering eyes shut as he vomits. As soon as his guts stop heaving, the only other thing to leave him is a low and hiccuping wail.

          “Saer- Oh god, are you okay? Baby-”

          “D-ddon’t, don't-” Tears stream down his cheeks as you gently touch his arm, disgusted with himself. “I’m g-gross. I'm so gross-”

          “No, no, shh, let me go-ah, wait.”

          He feels the bed shift as you rush off. It's illogical, but a part of him thinks you're running away from how nasty he is. That would make sense, wouldn't it? But he can hear your bare feet padding against the floor in no time, and a damp cloth against his cheek.

          “Shh, it's alright, don't cry, baby.” He doesn't want to open his eyes as you coo at him, gently wiping his mouth clean. If he opens his eyes, he has to see the mess he made. He can already smell it, and he's worried he might get sick again.

          How were you so calm? Once his mouth is cleaned off, he can feel you press a kiss against his temple, your hand rubbing his back.

          “Can you move?” No. His body feels like its cemented to the bed. He cracks his eyes open, everything bleary as he attempts to look at you before he sees anything else.

          “I-I can't “

          “Does it hurt?”

          “No- I just. I'll step in it.”

          God when did he start to sound so pathetic?

          When he catches you looking down, he snaps his eyes shut, still afraid of seeing his mess. It's a heavy moment until he feels your hands take ahold of his, lifting his arms up as you stand. He turns to face where you’re pulling his arms, unsure of what else to do.

          “Just…. Spread your legs,” Saeran does as he's told until you make a noise. “Ah! Yeah, that's good. Now stand up like that and step forward until I say so.”

          Eventually, he gets to a point where he's safely away from the puke and led into the bathroom. After another damp washcloth is brought to his face, he finally opens his eyes again. Saeran's own reflection isn't what he expects to see, and there's a moment where his breathing stops as he's worried of seeing what happens to not be there.

          He… looks okay. There's nothing gross on him. The worst is his eyes being bleary and his clothes rumpled. His gaze drops to you, and you meet his eyes in the mirror.

          “Brush your teeth, ok? I'll take care of it.”

          Saeran takes his toothbrush, wetting it and reaching for the toothpaste with a disappointed sigh. He should be better than this.

          “I can clean it, I should anyway-”

          “No. I know you think it's disgusting, but I can handle it. You didn't seem like you could anyway.” Standing on your toes, you kiss his temple before walking out of the bathroom, leaving him unable to argue.

          Well… He looks at himself in the mirror again, his frown obvious as he assesses what just happened. Was this why you wanted him to wait? Because you knew he might have this reaction?

          Back when he was on that damned ‘elixir’, he couldn't manage to keep his mouth shut around you, so you ended up knowing a lot more about himself than he was uncomfortable delving into now. The bad touches, the hints about his scars- So much negativity. Were you wanting him to wait on sex because you knew what would happen?

          More importantly, did what happen to him also happen to you? Were ghostly hands constantly touching parts sacred to you? Is that why you could calm him so well? Were you…

          He spits out the toothpaste, unable to finish the thought.

          Due to his nerves, the only option at the moment seems to be waiting until you announce that the bedroom has been cleaned up. While he does so, he scans the bathroom for anything he can switch into and sniffles. There isn’t any vomit on his clothes, but the dirty sensation still lingers uncomfortably. The only luck he has is a pair a sweatpants he had worn last night hanging up on the towel rack. Shirt-wise, he’s out of luck. Left to stew in the sweaty fabric.

          Saeran changes quickly, desperate to avoid you seeing any markings on his body past what he’s already shown you.

          After he’s managed to calm down and void his cheeks of any tears, you finally open the door, greeting him in your own set of pajamas.

          “Hey, baby. Do you feel any better?”

          He nods, unable to meet your gaze. He’s still ashamed of himself, and not ready to admit how he lied to you. There’s no way he deserves the sweet way you take ahold of his hand and lead him into the newly cleaned bedroom.

          “So, how long have you been feeling sick?” You begin, pulling the sheets back on the bed for him. “Did it start today or just now?"

          Ah...You thought he was sick. Should he play along with this? He sits down on the edge of the bed, anxiously rubbing his palms on his pants.

          “Uh...Just a little while ago.”

          “Do you think you need to- Hmm...Do _that_ anymore?”

          “No, my uhm, stomach feels better now.” Saeran says, guilt hitting him as you sit down beside him, voice still soft.

          “Okay...Well to be safe we should probably get you to drink a glass of water before bed to keep you hydrated, and since you might have been sick for a few days before now, we need to toss out the things you baked today.”

          His heart drops. It’s evident on his face with how surprised you look.

          “I-I’m sorry, baby, but we can fix more together once we’re sure you’re better. I don’t want either of us to get sick with whatever you have-”

          “I’m not sick,” He admits, all in a rush. “I- I was just nervous. Please don’t throw them away- I wanted to share them with the RFA.”

          “Why didn’t you tell me you were nervous? It’s okay to be like that during sex. We could have stopped and let you calm down.”

          “I didn’t...I didn’t want you to be disappointed. I was scared that you’d be angry or upset-”

          “Saeran…"

          “And I wanted to finally do this. I wanted to stop being so stressed and finally make love to you so you won’t leave or- or-”

          “ _Saeran_ ,” Your voice is stern, and it causes his blood to go cold. “Did you think about what we talked about last night? Or did you just say you had?”

          He bites his lip, struggling to admit the truth. Avoiding your gaze, he looks away, feeling deceitful. The bed shifts as you sit back. The distance between the two of you is small, but with his guilt it’s overwhelming. Was this going to cause the two of you to drift apart?

          “I had that talk with you last night for two reasons,” You begin. “One, because I honestly didn’t want you to force yourself with this pressuring belief you have. And two, because I didn’t want to feel like I was taking advantage of you.”

          There’s not a response he can give that doesn’t sound pathetic, so he just listens as you continue.

          “I don’t mind waiting for sex, Saeran. I don’t know why the idea of us waiting scares you so much because I’m not going to leave you over something so small. Sex isn’t what makes a relationship, it’s just...Just like an added bonus, or something like that.”

          “Do you mean that?” He asks, words coming out before he realizes.

          “Of course I do. Why would I lie about that?”

          “B-because I’m so useless. All you ever do is help me and- and I can’t return the favor in any other way!” Saeran leans forward, covering his face with his hands. “ This was the only way I could think of to thank you- and I ended up ruining it like everything else.”

          “Saeran, please don’t talk about yourself like that-”

          “It’s true, though!” He looks up at you, eyes watering. “You’ve done so much for me and the most I can do for you is just bake you sweets. I can’t even do what most people used me for-”

          “Hey-”

          “I can barely go a few days without some sort of episode and you drop everything you’re doing to help me if you find out, yet I- I don’t even know if you’re really okay like you say you are or if you’re just trying to make sure I don’t get upset again.”

          He’s all over the place, spouting out different worries he’s only expressed to his therapist. Before he knows it, he’s pulled into your grasp with his face against your shoulder. There’s a part of him that wants to lash out, but instead he deflates into you, numbly hugging you back.

          “You- You don’t lie to me, right?”

          “No, I don’t.” You reply without a pause. Instantly, he feels immense guilt for lying in the first place. He takes a shaky breath, holding you tighter.

          “I’m sorry.”

          “I know.”

          “I didn’t want to lie to you…” It’s a flimsy excuse, but you slowly rub his back as he continues. “I was scared.”

          “ I know I...Please don’t lie about this again, Saeran. I mean it when I say I don’t want to feel as if I’m taking advantage of you. We haven’t talked about it much, but I never want to feel like I’m another bad memory for you.”

          “There’s no way you could be, I promise.” He sniffles.

          Silence rings out after you sigh, resting your head aside his.

          “Just please, only do this to me when you feel ready to, and for no other reasons.”

          This time, as he presses an unsteady kiss to your cheek, he takes your words to heart.

 

* * *

 

          The air is cool, pleasant, and the sky isn’t as cloudy as it had been. Thankfully, spending this summer night in his pajama pants isn’t so ridiculous to you when there’s a nice breeze coming through the window. He watches the drapes gently sway in front of the window as you stir against his chest. As an impulse, he runs his fingers through your hair in an attempt to make your sleep feel more peaceful.

          It’s been a few weeks since his last major blunder. Weeks since the two of you gave the sweets he had baked that night away to the RFA, and days since he still felt flustered from all the positive texts he had received about them. Stability was hard for him to reach after such embarrassments, but you helped him overcome it all, and so did the support from those around him. Not to mention the small ways he had begun supporting himself. He started opening more about his sexual worries with his therapist, and was relieved when he was pointed into better ways of thinking, and better ways of coping with his unpleasant memories.

          “Mmm...You still awake?”

          He starts, earning a giggle from you.

          “I’ll take that as a yes.”

          “Well, to be fair, it is late. Someone should be asleep.” He teases back, looking down at you. You seem to have been staring at the window like he was.

          “I think at one in the morning, we both should be asleep.”

          “True...What’s keeping you up?”

          You shift, propping your head up with your elbow resting on his chest, smiling.

          “I’m thinking about my boyfriend.”

          Saeran grins, reaching to tuck your hair behind your ear. “Yeah? What about him?”

          “About how he’s the sweetest person I’ve met.... And how he makes me feel the happiest I’ve ever been.”

          “Oh? Really?” The words fill his chest up with warmth, and for once he’s happy to realize that the negative voice that usually nags at him isn’t bothering him tonight. Why was that? Rather than obsess about that, he gently tugs at you to lay down beside him.

          “Mhmm, really. I think I’m the luckiest girl in the world right now.”

          He turns on his side to face you, kissing your forehead. Being the big ‘spoon’, as you put it, doesn’t seem so strange nowadays.

          “I think I’m the lucky one. You’ve done so much for me.”

          “Maybe we’re both lucky?” You counter, holding him close. “You know, you’ve helped me a lot too. When I have my own battles to face, you’re always there for me. With a smile, or hug, or just a promise of seeing you.”

          There’s no words to express how much it means for him to be able to accept that without second guessing himself. Saeran hooks a finger under your chin, tipping your head up and promptly pressing his lips against yours.

          It wasn’t meant to be more than a simple kiss- A silent thanks for you opening up to him, but suddenly he can’t help himself from pressing further with a second kiss. And, as you slowly wrap your arms around his neck, it seems like you can’t help yourself either. The two of you continue meeting each other's lips, lingering as if you're unable to detach from one another.

          You taste calming. Was that even possible? Saeran can't think of any other descriptors, because each kiss fills his body with warmth. Your little soft hums of pleasure swimming around in his mind, making him feel loved and secure. Safe. Content.

          Saeran drags his lips to your cheek, then jawline, slowing the urgency of his kisses as you both regain your breath. You thread your fingers through his hair, reminding him again of how blessed he is to be in your arms.

          Delicately, he pushes you to lay onto your back, slotting himself with ease between your legs. He's unsure on how to ask you of this, since the last two times were messy, but now he feels no outside force pushing him to do this. He's not worried about the relationship crumbling or being unworthy.

          Saeran feels happy, trusting, and wants to spread that to you. To make you feel as amazing as he does now.

          “Saeran?”

          He blinks, realizing with a small blush that he's been staring at you.

          “I...Is this okay?”

          You tenderly cup his cheek, smiling.

          “Mhmm. But I need to know if it's okay with you, too.”

          “Yes. I...I want to share how I feel with you.” He takes ahold of your hand, pressing a kiss to the inside of your wrist. “I want my princess to indulge in my happiness with me.”

          God, the giggle that comes out of you could heal all of his wounds. You open your arms, encouraging him to embrace you, to start another string of loving kisses. It doesn't take long for any nerves he had to die down, or for his breath to deepen as his body reacts faster than he thought.

          Saeran takes joy in how he doesn't flinch as you run your hands down his back, gripping onto his shirt as his hands find the waistband of your sleep shorts. He tugs them down along with your underwear, hoping his cheeks don't give away the shyness he's feeling.

          You trusted him enough to let him see this secluded part of you. That alone gives him the courage to pull his own bottoms down, feeling his heart beat faster as his cock brushes up against your inner thigh when he repositions himself. Someday soon he’d be able to feel brave enough to take his shirt off in front of you as well, but there's still demons inside of his head that he needs to conquer before he's able to do that with confidence.

          Nerves starting to catch up to him, he buries his nose in the crook of your neck, trying to calm himself. There was still a chance of him not pleasing you…

          “It's, hmm. I’m not sure if I'm good at this.” He admits.

          “You can always get better.”

          “But this time? Right now?”

          “Hey, don't worry about that,” You rub his back reassuringly, voice low. “I'll be happy, okay?”

          Saeran’s quiet for a moment before he responds, picking his head back up to look you in the eyes.

          “Promise?”

          You don't laugh at him for asking such a silly question. You just keep smiling, making his worries melt away again.

          “Promise.”

          Saeran holds himself up with one arm as he reaches between the two of you, fingers carefully tracing your inner lips. It’s been awhile, but he tries to remember what he thinks feels good as he circles his thumb around your clit. You shift, chest rising as your breaths become brisker. This was good, right?

          He dips his index finger lower, slowly slipping into your opening. If he was worried on how turned on you were before, he felt immensely better with feeling how wet you were. Carefully, he starts pumping his finger in and out of you, but it isn’t long before you’re reaching to stop his wrist.

          “W-wait a minute.”

          He freezes, scared to retract his finger. Did he hurt you? He looks at you worriedly, and you let out a breathy chuckle.

          “I’m fine, just-” You lower your hand, coaxing him to push another finger in. “Two always feels better to me.”

          Oh. Cheeks burning, he continues what he was doing before. Now you seem to react better, and he’s feeling confident. With more prompting from you, he curls his fingers upwards, making a sudden moan slip out of you as you shower him with quick praise.

          Maybe he was a bit better at this than he thought.

          Before long he can feel his own arousal trying to best him as pre-cum starts beading at the tip of his cock. Unsure of how long he’s going to last in general, he pulls his fingers out of you, speaking before you get a chance to let out any more than a whine of protest.

          “I-I want to go ahead and feel you myself.”

          No disagreements from you, he takes ahold of himself and rubs his tip against your clit, dragging down to your opening. He can feel how excited you are with how slick the head of his cock is. Your breath catches, and with that motivating him along with his own arousal, he starts to push in.

          Instantly, you wince, causing him to worry. When he stops, however, you shake your head and coax him to keep going until he's fully inside. Your wet walls squeeze his cock, making his breath come quicker as pleasure starts to flow through him faster.

          “Does it hu-”

          “J-Just a bit,” You pant, cheeks pink. “I’ll be okay in a-ah, in a minute just.”

          Saeran doesn't move his hips, but does lean to plant a few deeper kisses against your lips to help pass the time until you're ready for him to move again.

          It doesn't take long. Soon, you're wrapping your legs around his hips, urging him to move as you keep kissing him, teasing his bottom lip with your teeth. With the heat jumping to his core, it's hard to maintain a slow and steady pace for you.

          Each thrust into you draws out a noise. A soft sigh from you, a low groan from himself. Just the beginning and he's realizing he never knew sex could feel so good. Saeran experiments, pushing hard inside while keeping his pace the same and is happy with the sounds he draws out of you.

          In a moment that romance novels and the like strove to make 'sexy’ or 'filthy’, he found himself with his heart hurting with strangled emotions. Unable to help himself from letting his feelings flow, he cups your cheek, muttering against your lips as he feverishly kisses you.

          “I love you.” He says once, then again as his hips refuse to slow. “I love- a-ahn, every bit of you. T-the way you smile, mmmhph, the way you hold m-me. God, I love y-you so much.”

          Was it pathetic to cry? Emotion is overcoming him, stealing his breath between his words and kisses. Could you hear him? Could you hear how alive you made his heart?

          You try to keep up with his lips, but between the breaks he can hear small agreements slip out of you, acknowledging what he's saying.

          Sex has never felt so amazing in his life. Forever thankful for the new experiences you give him, he strives to make this as pleasurable for you as it is for him. Focused, he studies which movements make your nails dig into his back, what makes your breath hitch and how to continue drawing out those sweet moans. Saeran’s not confident in how long he’s going to last, not with how every noise from you causes the heat pooling in his abdomen to burn brighter, how you clench tightly around him. He can’t remember how it feels when a woman orgasms, so he quickens his pace, hoping that it helps as he tries to speak clearly.

          He captures your lips between his again. With soft kisses, he tries to convey how much you mean to him. How you’ve helped him see the world in a new light- How he actually looks forward to his future now when before he never wanted to acknowledge it. You were so powerful in your own way, and he wants you to know all the ways you were strong and amazing.

          As his words spill out of his mouth, he feels your walls squeeze his cock harsher than before. With his breath catching, he finds his hips faltering with a few more thrusts and he’s cumming before he realizes it- crying out with the intensity. Mind numb with pleasure, he barely registers how your mouth is against his neck, sucking and biting.

          Groaning, he attempts a few more thrusts, trying to get you to reach the same climax as he has. It’s difficult because now he feels over sensitive, but he’s willing to try just a bit longer. Thankfully, it's only a few more thrusts until your patting his back, trying to get the words out that everything is too much. At that moment he stops his thrusts and rests his head on your shoulder, listening as you both regain your breath.

          There's no comment on his performance. Anxious, he wraps his arms around you.

          “How was it?”

          “Haha, good, Saeran. It felt wonderful.”

          He basks in the way you brush his hair with your fingers, the small hums you let out in between praise, until he’s content and staying inside of you becomes overwhelming.

          Calmed and relaxed, Saeran pulls out of you and rests on his back. Soon, the both of you resume your earlier positions of looking out the window, holding each other tight.

          “How do you feel?”

          “Happy,” He mutters, rubbing your back. “I thought I would feel more anxious but…”

          “But?"

          “I think I was finally ready to experience that with you.” After everything, he still feels shy saying 'sex’.

          “I'm glad we waited, then.” You snuggle into him with a content sigh. “I think I feel tired enough to sleep now.”

          Saeran chuckles, squeezing you in his arms as he nuzzles the top of your head.

          One day, he was going to make it clear to you with how much you meant to him in ways that would remain special in your eyes, not just his alone.

**Author's Note:**

>  **If you did not like this or do not like my work in general, please do not leave me comments saying so. I am not looking for any critiques. Thank you!**  
>  First off, I am incredibly sorry this took so long! Long story short I was slammed with a lot of IRL problems, and so finishing this two-parter series was difficult to do right away. I hope the length and plot makes up for the wait?  
> I decided to make the MC in this not a virgin, but had it to where not many lines are focused on that fact. I only did this because I like reading about MC's that are not virgins and like writing that as well, but I also hope that anyone who reads it and is a virgin doesn't feel ashamed! The detail wasn't meant to shame anyone.  
> If you enjoyed this, please check out my other fics, and if you're interested I have a MM tumblr (MmScum.tumblr.com) with old HC's back when I _used_ to do requests. I don't take requests anymore though!  
>  Thank you!


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